All About Aftercare
Aftercare should not be an afterthought.
What is aftercare? Aftercare is a term that’s widely known in the world of kink and BDSM. In that realm it’s how you and your partner show support for oneself and one another after a scene. This can be after any type of BDSM scene, whether it be platonic or sexual.
However, we actually need aftercare after any event that is highly stimulating. Heck, sometimes I need to give myself aftercare after going out to the grocery store! :P
Aftercare can be done just with yourself, or you can provide aftercare to others.
Why is Aftercare important?
Because when we play with others (especially with BSDM and power dynamics) one can experience what's called subspace or domspace (when a bunch of hormones are released in our brains altering our state) and then after having this "high", one can experience a drop. This is commonly referred to as “sub drop” and those leading the scenes can also have “dom drop” or “top drop”. I believe these physiological experiences can happen outside of kink and bdsm.
Essentially, what comes up must come down. As the body comes back into balance with its hormones one may feel tired, low, tender, sad, lethargic, sensitive, etc. This “drop” can kick in hours after the event, or days after.
Aftercare is important after any highly stimulating activity as even positive stimulation has an effect on your nervous system. It’s especially important after engaging in activities that were activating or perhaps even dysregulating for the nervous system. (Remember dysregulation isn’t inherently bad, but it’s important to be aware of).
When people come to my workshops, I tell my participants to consider having an aftercare routine after participating in any stimulating activity or event.
Before signing up to any event/workshop/training/personal growth seminar, etc. , prepare for the “come down” and plan for time after for integration and processing. If you can’t give your body time for that, I recommend you put off attending the workshop/event until you can do so at a time that allows for some recovery.
Here are some examples of general things I do and plan for regarding my personal aftercare.
After a 3-5 hr workshop with a new facilitator, or a workshop that covered vulnerable/intimate themes, new people, large numbers of people, any workshop, etc.- Take the rest of the evening to relax, integrate, and do things that feel good. Cuddle with a lover/friend, take a warm bath, watch a favorite movie or show, call a friend, go on a walk. Depending on the length of the workshop and timing, I may take the next day easy and focus on lots of nourishing self care. Or if the workshop/training was multiple days, I’ll typically give myself at least half the time I was in the workshop/training to recover, sometimes longer.
Here are specific examples for you:
Shibari Rope Ritual/Plant Medicine Journey (3-7 hour experience)- take the rest of the day off afterwards, if not the next day as well. Journal about the experience. Spend time in nature, go on a hike on a wooded trail. Take a hot bath. Plan to attend a nourishing and low-key community event. Cuddle and relax with a lover or friend.
1-2 Day + experience- Take a few days off of intense work afterwards. Keep it light and easy breezy. Schedule time with coaches, healers, friends, lovers, etc. Get out every day in nature, spend hours if possible in the sun, swim at Barton Springs, hiking, journaling, reading, go to ecstatic dance, etc.
Don’t underestimate the power of co-regulation and community! Humans are social creatures, it’s important to have a supportive community to help integrate the experience. This may include connecting with others from the event to share processing, OR depending on your needs, personal triggers, etc. it may be more helpful to speak with a helping professional that can be unbiased as they weren’t there at that event.
Having friends that can support the processing of the experience or provide co-regulation unrelated to processing (hanging out, cuddling, going to another event, hiking together) can be such powerful medicine. So much healing can happen in regulating connection.
I’ve divided Aftercare Activities into 5 essential categories- Co-Regulation and Play, Nourishment, Nature, Movement, and Creation. Incorporating elements of a few of these categories really help one come back into the ventral vagal state (where you feel safe and social).
Some of these you can combine, just remember, keep it low key, easy breezy. It’s okay to be tender sometimes. Be gentle with yourself and your nervous system as it comes back into healthy regulation. Make sure to not rely on just one thing or one person, and utilize self-regulation and self-care as well. It’s all about balance :)
Co-Regulation and Play:
Hang out with a friend
Make love to a partner
Go to an arcade
Go play putt putt
Scooter around town
Go to a low-key event that involves connection with others (authentic relating, Latihan, ecstatic dance, improv, contact improv, acro yoga, dance class, etc.) I recommend staying away from anything that could be activating while you’re in a sub/top drop phase.
Attend a sound bath or Kirtan
Have sessions with a therapist/coach/bodyworker/healer person you can open up to and co-regulate with (someone with a regulated nervous system).
2. Nourishment (Mind & Body):
Drink plenty of water, take in vitamins, minerals and electrolytes
Eat nourishing and yummy food (it may not be the best time to be on a strict diet, but also ensure you’re eating food that makes you feel good too)
Be mindful of media consumption, refrain from watching/listening to activating/triggering media. Be mindful of social media use and discern if it’s supportive to the integration process
Meditate
Let yourself get plenty of sleep- aim for at least 8 hours, let yourself sleep more if needed
Journal
Read a book or listen to an audible that is uplifting and inspires hope
Create Art, Self-tie, color
Self-Pleasure
3. Nature:
Go on a hike and forest bathe
Hang out at a local lovely swimming hole, lay in the sun and read
Hang out at the Sunday Drum Circle in ATX under Monkey Tree
4. Movement:
You may want to keep it simple, low intensity and low impact, but moving the body can help you reduce stress/anxiety and get those happy hormones kicking off
Swim, bike, go on walks
5. Creation (energy output and processing):
Create art
Journal- Write about your thoughts, struggles/triggers, about your lessons and learnings from the experience, write what you’re grateful for from the experience. Try to focus more on the positive however
Write a poem
Color in a coloring book
Dance in the mirror
Go and take photographs in nature
Do a selfie photoshoot!
Self-tie with rope, perhaps do an Ichinawa flow
Overall listen to your body, stay attuned to your needs and remember, you can change your mind at any time. Be willing to reach out to others for support and connection.
You are worthy of slowing down, feeling ease, and time for recovery.
Now go get yo’self some yummy aftercare. <3
